This week, my hubby and I celebrated thirty years of marriage. We still like each other (most of the time) and have good craic (most of the time). Our son speaks to both of us. That’s a positive result in itself. Here are some thoughts about it. I am speaking from a straight married woman’s point of view.
One of the best books I have read about marriage (the gritty reality as opposed to the romantic s***e) is Recipes for a perfect marriage by Kate Kerrigan
which tells two parallel stories of the the early marriage days. It is based in Ireland
We’re wedded, not welded.
Both of us have areas of our life where the other person has zero interest. My hubby has no idea about Excel and is not tech-savvy at all. I still have to write his emails for him. On the other side, he can hear practically any piece of traditional Irish music and identify the main musicians. He has also done all the plumbing in the house (no, he’s not a trained plumber – he just knows how to do it) . He has always been in a “job” and I have been self-employed since the mid-nineties. We have learned a lot from each other and we have stopped being annoyed that the other person doesn’t “get” that bit. We have friends and colleagues for those areas. However both of us have learned a lot about topics that in our natural way would not have engaged with.
Speak and act more kindly than you feel, especially when you don’t feel kind.
In the early days of our marriage, I had the widow fantasy quite a bit and found the whole adjusting to married life quite challenging. (We hadn’t lived together before we got married). There were times when I said the nasty thing in my head. It doesn’t work. Now, when I’m feeling p***ed off with him, I step away, maybe go and journal about it. Fortunately my writing is illegible. Then try and speak and act more kindly than I feel. That works better. Using “I” statements also works much better than You statements e.g. “I found that statement you made about X quite irritating”as opposed to “You are stupid. How could you think such a thing?”
Express appreciation for the good deeds.
Yes, in an ideal world, there would be division of labour but in the world we live in, women do tend to notice/remember household stuff sooner than men. (Yes, I know that is a total generalisation). So if your other half does put the clothes on the line/dishes in the dishwasher/puts on a load of washing. Try to notice and say thanks rather than doing it again yourself and complaining about it. You can’t have it both ways. At the end of the day, people, it is housework, not road building. It will be there again tomorrow. On a more practical level, which approach do you think will get the other person to do more? Saying thank you and showing appreciation or moaning about how it is not done properly. In Ireland, we have a place where we cut and dry turf called the bog. It’s hard back breaking work. One summer I went to help my hubby and he criticised my efforts. I said no problem. Do it yourself from now on and went home.
Have grace notes.
I just love this phrase and for me it’s about doing the small kindnesses for each other. My hubby makes me a cup of tea the way I like it – teabag left in. I keep an eye out for the biscuits he likes. I listen to him talk about his day at work. He checks in with me after I’ve had another one of my “They are going to find me out and everyone will see what an imposter I am” days and reminds me that I’ve got through all the other ones before.
Come to agreements about money
We have very different approaches to money and in the early days it led to a lot of rows. Now we keep our money separately and have agreed ways to pay the bills. I can earn more and spend more than him (we don’t really buy into the “man as breadwinner” meme). For a whole bunch of reasons, I do not wish to ever be financially dependent on a man (although he was the main breadwinner for the first year of our son’s life) and he respects that.
At this point we probably are going to be together for another while, although I do point out to him that if Keanu Reeves or Russell Crowe (Gladiator edition) come around, I want to exercise my Free Pass card. He has one as well for Sandra Bullock.
Parenting knocks lumps out of you both and it’s HARD.
There are people who are natural parents, they always wanted to have children and fed them nothing but organic food. Alas, I was not that parent. If I was advising me now, this is what I would say to her. As a parent, there are chapters that will be easier for you than others. For example, I found the baby phase quite manageable. However I found the ages from about 2 to 8 very challenging indeed. Thereafter I found it easier. I was OK as a parent of a teenager because I remembered how hard being a teenager was. I would have told younger me, learn to manage your feelings. Howling about being put in a car seat is completely normal. Refusing to go to bed despite being unable to keep his eyes open yelling “I’m not tired, I’m not tired” is normal. You need to stay calm and be kind to the part of you that wants to howl back saying “You are sitting in the f**king car seat”. I may have just gone straight to that statement at times.
My husband was often calmer than me in those situations but there were others that drove him nuts. All I will say is, to those of you with many children. I salute you.
These are observations, not prescriptions and everyone has to work out what works for them. If I was advising my son about marriage it would be the following:
- Make sure you LIKE the person, not just the look of them. Spend time with them particularly in tricky situations e.g. travel.
- Make sure they KNOW themselves. Work on your own self-awareness all the time. There’s always lots of talk about “finding the one”. Focus instead on BEING the one.
- Make sure you have things to laugh about. Humour softens many situations.
I would love to hear your thoughts and observations of what has worked (and hasn’t worked !) for you …